I think the narrative you create of my life is dangerous. My most consistent thought was between the ages of 7 and 30 was, "I wish that people would stop trying to tell me what to do." After 30, I transitioned into thinking, "I wish people would stop thinking that I am taking uncalculated risks. I know what I am doing, and I got this!" At age 36, it was "I wish people would stop tryna put me in their box when everything I am doing is working successfully." At 40, it is "the heaven you built for me in your head is the one I have been rebelling against. The rebelling feels like hell to you and feels like running from fire for me." Now, sitting here in Athens, Greece, in a subpar hotel feeling like I want to go back to sleep (it's 2:30 pm here) and not be bothered with touring Acropolis, my revelation is that the heaven (on earth) that I enjoy does not make sense to most people. Things that don't make sense to most people are deemed abnormal, and so it is true that I am not normal. By the way, in Greece, they pronounce the "l" in "salmon," and this makes me happy because having a silent "l" is one of those US-based norms that's really silly to me. Back to the story....
Now I am asking myself different questions. Instead of "why do people keep pressing their truths and the truths they want for me on me?" I am transitioning to "how can I live my life daily with more of the truths that bring me joy so loud and clear that the truths other people want for me sound like cars passing by." The sound of cars passing by is ordinary, forgettable, and a sign of movement around me but not the kind of movement I need to attach to. I am in my own car, driving, chilling with my own music, making my own phone calls, navigating the rest of the vehicles. What those cars over there are doing ain't none of my business. Even though they are honking because they want me to speed up or slow down, I know my limits on my own safety and I am confident that we won't have an accident. Sometimes accidents are unavoidable. Children are wanting you to be a different parent. Parents want you to be a different child. Ugh that reminds me, I forgot to send money to my Dad, getting to the Zelle now, Dad (if you're reading). Some accidents will result in an easy repair.
Some accidents mean the car is totaled, and you will have to walk away and drive something or somewhere else. However, you don't forget that you know how to drive no matter what car you're getting in. Wait...I took that car metaphor a little far. LOL! Ultimately, just know that you get to be you everywhere that you go. The sooner you realize that you aren't like anyone else, you will be building the heaven you want vs. running with your pants on fire from someone else's! So now, I think I will go tour the temple of Zeus. I went and got it (freedom, money, etc.) like that so I can have it like that so I can be like that! You should do the same!
Thank you for reading my stream of consciousness.
-Shelly Omilâdè Bell aka "Omi"
Comments